I'm a kind of person who makes everything easy because I'm easy to get tired. I'm not so strong. I always misunderstood by My Mother who's very hyper in everything and she makes everything harder and complicated for her and for me. It's always like this.
This kind of issue with her ruin everything inside my mind. When I get emotional I sit somewhere she can't see me crying. It makes me tired of trying to live. It's feels like it got heavier.
I always trying to plan for my life and for out future but it seems like she's against everything. It makes me emotional and fail. Many times before she receive a remittance from my sister we make a plan and we are both happy and agreed but once she hold the money she changes the plan. I always trash my plans because I always feel I'm the only one trying.
She never went to school. She can't read. She can only read numbers 1 to 10. So when we started our business of sari-sari store I managed it at first but usually we don’t agree to each other's plan. I already told her that I can't continue managing our business because it's not growing. So if I will manage it I want alone to manage it and I hold the money but she can't allow me. So I just let her buy products. I help her sometimes. All day I'm writing, blogging or doing anything near our store so I could guard it and sell. I wanted changes…
As of now My Plans are still my plans. I just brought back something from the past. I added "I'm supposed to be Dead" Plan. I have always two option; Live or Die. If I live, I knew it. I learned it. I can't make it all by myself. If die, I can make it on my own. I know what to do. No help is needed. I'm used to live like this.
But… no matter what shed does everyday… no matter how heavy it brings inside my heart… I love her so much… I want to lose myself but not her. I'm done losing anyone in my life now. In some part I'm blessed to have her as m mother.
I hope before my birthday… everything is done for me. So I could live.
My name is Jane.
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