My Father is not perfect, I admit. But I love him so much. He is a fighter, thing I didn’t inherited from him. His strength maybe comes from his faith spiritually, as a Pentecost. Although he stopped providing our needs financially because of an accident and issue between him and my mother, he never stopped connecting to me. They are separated and I lived with my mother, until now. Sometimes we visits our hometown. My intention to go there is to visit my father, that’s my only reason.
My memory with him is my treasure. When I was a kid and he’s still working at Golf in intramuros. He always go there with his bike. Every time he go home I always asking for 3 pesos coins, which he can give as long as he have money. On my birthdays he always give me an ice cream or cake. And when I was in high school I was able to buy him anything because I have enough earnings. We went to church in Guadalupe, before we go home I treated him in Jollibee. We ate Jollibee Chicken Joy worth 79 pesos each.
March 15, 2017. He visited us here. I didn’t know why. I was already laying at bed and wanted to sleep when he asked for a coffee. I made him a cup of coffee then I went back to bed. I woke up 3:30 am to pee but there’s someone in the bathroom and I know it’s him so I have no choice but to pee at the arinola (pot). Then I slept again. 6 am everyone is awake, and my father is still on the bathroom. My brother knocked on the door. I felt my heart beating fast when he said my father was laying on the floor. In my mind I knew he’s dead. That time I can’t convince myself about what was happening because I felt like dreaming. I can’t feel it.
I never thought that it was the last night I’ll be with him. It brought a great break in my heart. While looking at my Father’s body, I said to God that after he buried I’ll be next. Well that was plan before he died, I have to end up my life because I don’t want to live anymore. His death made me to hate God more.
On his funeral days, the real color of the people I knew revealed to me. I found out who are true and not. I also learned my family’s love for him. His brothers and sisters in Pentecostal Church visited and gave 7 days bible service. They contributed some money to help us financially. No matter how they tried to preach God’s word to us within 7 nights, there is nothing, even one word that touched my heart. All the words they said didn’t entered to my ear. Even if they shouted it. They told stories about my father. I just listened because I can’t cry in front of anyone. But on his last day, I have no choice but to give a speech and I cried so much like my family did.
I realized that he is rich in the spirit. Rich in family and love. Things we didn’t give to him.
My family asked me to continue his legacy but I rejected it. I asked, why me? They have no idea how much I wanted to die before our father died. I’m only half a live. I embraced my dark side. I love my father but we have our own understanding about God. And most of all, we have freedom will. What he knew and what I knew about God are different.
My life just got started after I lost him. I don’t want to choose one side. I believe that nothing can happen without God’s permission. I believed and still believe that anything that happening to me God is part of it. And I also believe that God and Lucifer are not different. If there’s difference I can’t assure it.
As of now, I chose to be in between God and Lucifer’s side. Or it can change to no side. I treat God as God, sometimes as friend and sometimes as enemy. But Lucifer and the devils I treat them as enemy.
I don’t have much to say about my father’s death… maybe because of the joy that dwells within me right now. I believed that I got great benefits from his death, not financially but spiritually. Sometimes I feel joy that I can’t express or explain to myself but it makes me feel okay and calm.
I have a lot of regrets, things I wished I said to him, gave to him and done to him. But it’s too late already. At times I can feel myself that I was so selfish that I did not realized what he needed. I’ve done mistakes and sins, maybe that’s the reason why God took him from me.
All the good things that I never had the courage to do, though it hard at first and messy in the middle, I’ll make sure that I’ll be able to do it in the future.
All I have now is a desire and plans to be done. I wanted and still wanting that one day, I’ll be able and I have the courage to show my real colors I hidden in the dark since the day my life started.
My name is Jane.
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