Last night I received many invalid clicks from Crazy people that made me decided to sign out to my Adsense account to keep me away from hope. Adsense is my door of hope as a Suicidal. I was planning to publish a last blog post last night, a goodbye post but my net became slow and I don’t know why. I was thinking about everything in my life. How and Why it happened? What will I do next?
Honestly I cried a lot last night but nobody noticed I cried. I had a hard time to breathe though it was so depressing it’s okay it was normal for me. I decided not to stop writing but it doesn’t mean that I’m fighting. I don’t accept some failure, I embrace some of them because I know I’m part of God’s failure. I believed that I’m worth nothing to him so he gives me nothing. I didn’t write this to make myself pity but I wrote this to reveal to myself the truth. The truth hurts me but it’s good. I need to fall down on my face from the messed I made and that is to trust people and trust myself.
I will keep writing and writing for nothing. I decided to stop expecting from anyone’s and start helping people again without expecting anything in return. Including those I’ve seen good works even though I don’t know them and they don’t know me. They’ve shown me honesty, love and respect. So I will secretly help them whether they like it or not.
I don’t want to generally say that all people is unfair but you have no idea how happy I was to know that there are some people that I can lean on, that I can trust more than myself. For each moment of them showing me their honesty it pushes me to work harder for my plans and dreams, it motivates me to write more and learn more.
What’s in my mind right now?
“It’s enough.” That’s what one word said to myself.
What’s my next plan?
• I want to write more as “Nobody” with “Nothing” for “Nothing”,
• I want to help those who helped me and those who aren’t without expecting anything from them. Why? I just want it. Period.
• I want to stop hoping (that everything’s gonna be okay),
• I want to stop learning (for learning is painful, learning is living, learning is loving)
• I want to stop trying (for I tried enough)
• I’m planning to give myself a due date (I spent too much time),
• I’m planning to Live the other side of me which is invisibly darker and worst. I’m still thinking about it.
• I’m planning to stop writing until October, my domain expiration day. Because I like writing with my own domain.
What I’ve done today?
My Mother and I washed our clothes. Yeah, we washed it together. So it wasn’t a heavy task. I feel so tired but it’s okay. Then I bought 2 pcs of Scratch It worth 20 pesos each or less than $1. At first I won P100 and it has Bonus of 2x, that means the amount you won will be multiply to 2. So I won P200 or $4. (Sorry I didn't took a photo of it). Then Second I bought 5 pcs of scratch it again worth P100 or $2 then I won P50 or $1.
Why I bought this card?
I know that there is 50% chance of winning and 50% of losing. But there's nothing wrong if I will try. Beside I need money now. I'm motivated to buy this because my cousin won 99,000 pesos. I have a purpose of buying it, first is to win at least 5,000 of $100 so I will be able to buy the hosting for website that I was planning because i'm so bored with Weebly. I want to buy hosting on Ipage worth P1,800 I guess then the remaining amount will goes to my mother's hand. Our deal actually is 50/50. But if I will win I only want what I need, Period.
Why I have Due Date?
After My Father died, I said to myself that I don’t want to stay alive before Christmas that I’m still like this because there are some part of me that can change by something. “It has to change”. Please don’t force yourself to understand this. So that’s the reason why you see me fall easily. Everyone of us has each other reason’s why we are here breathing, fighting and trying. Your reason is not the same as mine so I understand why some of you don’t really understand where exactly I’m coming from. I’ve been a suicidal for many years I’ve never been alive (that’s the fact about me). But there are people helped me breathe without them knowing it. I’m only half alive. Half of me still trying to survive. Now is the time to finally cut all the rope that connected to hope. Because I don’t want hope anymore.
My anger is gone for my enemies. Now my anger is for mine. For my worst enemy is myself alone.
My name is Jane.
My Top Blog Posts
The Better Version of Me
Strength Within Me
Monique Diplock's 3rd Challenge: "Write 5 Places in the World You Like or Want to Visit and Why?"