My Mother and My Father are the most important people in my life. They are the people that I cannot lose. My mother never had the chance to go to school, to learn to write and read. So she have a lot of thing that she don’t understand. She have many experiences in life so she learned many things about life. “Family” is really important to her. She is so selfless. Why I said that? Because she gives more than she can give to us. I remember when I was a little, as a kid I’m always hungry. We didn’t have enough food but she always find a way so we could eat. She never failed to take care of us, especially me, her youngest daughter.
Lately, she revealed to me that she always bored because she don’t have someone to talk to. Honestly, we don’t talk a lot the whole day. Whenever we had chances to talk I don’t like to talk to her because she usually talks about our neighbors or someone’s life. She always talk about chizmiz. And I don’t like that. I’m a serious one who love to talk about something serious.
She have no friends here. In my hometown she have many friends. Her sisters and daughter (my eldest sister) are there. I stopped visiting my hometown. No matter how they try to convince me to go there they can’t make me go there because my father is no longer there. I have to interests there. He’s the only reason why I keep coming back there. The last time we visited there, I don’t like what I felt there. I promised to myself that after they buried my father I will never come back there.
After my mother’s revelation to me, I realized why not spend a little time for her. I know how to do the “Spending-time-with-family” but you know why I can’t do it? Because I don’t love myself and I can’t spend time for myself. So I after she revealed to me I also frankly told her why I don’t usually to talk to her. But there’s one thing I didn’t intend to tell her, that my problem is worst, that either I’m bored or not, I don’t want to live.
I have plans for my mother. Plans to show her how important she is for me. But I will never be able to show that while I’m broken. I can smile and laugh and help but there are things that I couldn’t do. I envy those other teenagers who are able to spend time with families. I envy those people who usually have a “family day”. Thing I wish one day I will have.
I admit, ever since I don’t spend my time having a long conversation with her because I don’t like the topics and she don’t like my topics. I’m the only suicidal in my family, I’m easily get depressed, I don’t like any distracting noise. So usually we have misunderstandings. But I’m glad that she revealed that to me. It opened my mind to think what more can I do for her to make her happy in some way that I can. It’s a sign for me to work harder to get what I wanted. Because to all of my desire she’s part of it. And I love my mother for the rest of my life.
My name is Jane.
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